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| I know the rules. I know how it feels to start liking your best friend. It's not a good feeling. I know how it feels to be the female in this situation. It sucks. Oh God does it suck. Am I wasting my time here? Should I continue to try and be with him? Or try and talk to him rather since we're not "together?" If she likes him, (and she clearly does) and He likes her (which is still up for debate) then why am I here? There's no need for me to sit and think about him if he's thinking about her...Oh man that would piss me off... Communication is key. He knows that all he has to do is talk to me. He knows that's all I want from him. Ughhhhhh... I'm probably just overanalyzing the situation. Getting too in my feelings to realize that clearly if we're "talking" than he likes me, and that should be enough right? NO! That's bullshit, that's not enough. Of course he likes me, that's not the issue, what i need to know is that next week, when we're back at school, will he be sleeping in MY bed, or texting her from his? Cuz they're just texting right? They're just friends? I don't know...I think it's rude, and disrespectful to have a conversation with someone else via text while you're laying in someone else's bed. But, does the fact that he's texting her mean that A) He doesn't see it as a big deal because they're JUST friends B) he doesn't give a damn about how I feel about it, cuz he's gonna text her regardless of me? I don't want it to seem like I don't want him having female friends. That's not it at all. I think men need female friends, because without them they would pass around bullshit between one another. But the female friend that likes you is different, that bitch is the villian. She can control how he responds to me, She can give him advice, he trusts her more regardless of the situation and she has an alternative agenda that he will never recognize until it's too late. Like I said, I've played the role, and no one is better at sabotaging a relationship better than a female best friend, (not that I have, but I could have, you understand). I guess it would help to know if SHE knew about us. Whether he had told her exactly how much time we've been spending together or how much we talk, or what we've been doing. Because if she doesn't know then A) I'm not important enough to be mentioned to a female that he talks to everyday or B) he's hiding the fact that he's been hooking up with someone, in order to protect her feelings which EITHER WAY is wrong and I need to back off. He's also not the type to kiss and tell, which in most circumstances I prefer, but it becomes rather difficult to appreciate secrecy when you rather be in a relationship with someone, when you rather that they openly tell people, " Yeah me and Whitney cool, we talk or w/e [insert alternative subject here]..." *Side note* Is is sad that that's all I want him to admit? I just want him to admit that we have have some sort of connection that others don't. I don't need him to call me his girlfriend, (ooo the g word still gives me shivers sometimes) or to run around running his mouth, but simply to answer other's questions with "we cool." I'm simple. I promise I am. *side note* I also realize that the probability of him seeing her as anything other than a friend is slim. Like i've said, I've played that role before and I've never been the female friend that turned into the girlfriend. For all i know, he could think of her as his sister. Which would be fine. But, he's told me of the female friends he considers his "sisters" and this PARTICULAR female did not fall into that category, so who knows? But hell, maybe she's the exception and not the rule, maybe she'll be the one best female friend who makes the step up to girlfriend which would considerably suck, on soooooo many levels... UGH, Dammit, foiled again. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. Do I beef up my talking to him? Try and become more important than her? Should I attempt to compete with her? Do I hold back and wait for him to miss me? Do I bow out completely and hope he figures out what he wants? I know what I need to do, I need to talk to him. But I won't, I won't let this insecurity (which after this writing this entry is what I have chalked this emotion up to) get the best of me. If he wants me, He'll make it happen, and I'll be here waiting, patiently, not brooding, and not concerned with his best friend. Hopefully. Catch me on the other side of the pillow. | | |
| i have a question what do you honestly think of me 12:56amWhitneywhy does my opinion matter? just answer gosh you dated me need a second opinion 12:57amWhitneywell i can't answer that question cuz i'm bias and don't think much of you well tell me what you think my feelings dont get hurt 1:00amWhitneylol that's just it, I don't think much of you, I think ur manipulative, a liar, immature at times, persuasive, charming in the most difficult way possible ur smart, i'll give u that so what makes you think this 1:02amWhitneyour entire relationship, why are you asking me this? what did i do that was so bad you never had facts or evidence think back i brought you around my friends n family so what did that tell you hmmmmm? 1:04amWhitneythat u were good at what u did, that ur family was in on it, that i'm a fool for wasting my holidays with someone who wasn't faithful to me what does it matter? what are you asking me? cuz i loved you n you think im out to get you maybe you will realize one day i was being honest wit you i was faithful but its kool im not gonna trip cuz hear say is very believable n my mom being in on it n my sis n aunt m cuz please dnt ever insult my family like that cuz they honestly dont give less than fuck about who I bring home they welcomed you in cuz i loved you n told them that but its kool Ms Williams 1:08amWhitneyi honestly didn't mean that, and I didn't mean to insult ur family, but it doesn't matter anymore Trent, so what did u ask me all this for? maybe i still like you hmmmmmm i just need some kind of closure 1:10amWhitneyclosure? do u need me to verbally insult you? is facebook not doing enough? I'm not understanding, u do this like every 2 weeks babes im n love so idk what would honestly you hurt me n you dnt care but its fine Ill figure somethin out im tuff 1:12amWhitneyur not in love wit me trent shut the hell up i dnt thats kool if you dont believe i know n im hurt by this accusation 1:16amWhitneylmao than go be hurt and stop bringing ur little hurt ass to these conversations eh? cuz nothing's going to change because i don't believe A word that comes out of ur mouth or throught he computer damn wow i opened up to you n hopes but remember that ish i have a lot more power you could ever phathom 1:18amWhitneyto do what? dnt worry 1:18amWhitneyr u gonna hurt me? nope 1:18amWhitneyr u gonna get me kicked out of school? i dont waste my time 1:18amWhitneyr u going to impend my future? i go bk to my grind 1:18amWhitneythen ur not a threat to me 1:20amTrenton is offline. Empthy threats don't mean much to me. I have never been afraid of any MAN in my life, so if you think this DOG is going to spark fear in my heart you got me ALL the way fucked up. How u gonna be mad at me cuz I don't believe a word YOU say cuz i'm pretty sure you got 4 girlfriends at one time, ALL the time? You don't see that as a problem for me? FUCK OUTTA HERE Trent. Gon' Somewhere with that bullshit boy, ain't nobody trippin off yo little ass, Fuck. | | |
| has been nothing like my last.
idk, i'm not one of those sad individuals that hope that this summer would be "just like" last summer and we'd all be the best of friends or something and that didn't happen. I'm going to try not to bash anyone in this journal entry but you'll know if i'm talking about you.
I wish Courtney was here because she's like me. i want to go shopping, she wants to go shopping. i want to go to a kappa party, she wants to go to a kappa party. i want to cut a girl, she wants to cut a girl. A true best friend. A ride or die.
I don't blame my friends for having previous obligations on engagements. I understand that completely but it's real bad when you make plans with someone and they blow you off. I've been stood up once in my life by a guy, i've been stood up umpteen times by my own best friends. That's a problem for me. But i don't feel like ranting right now, just emptying my mind for a sec.
I was recently told by someone that i have feelings for, or at least that's the conclusion that i'm drawing close to that I need to slow down when it comes to relationships because through my journal entries it seems as if I've had plenty of boyfriends. (this character also told me my hair was dry, that was hurtful lol)
i haven't had a boyfriend because i haven't wanted one. Recently, I've wanted one but have yet to take the steps to make that happen. Why? partly because i'm lazy. Partly because i want it to happen like a romatic comedy that makes my heart swell. Partly because i doubt i've found the one that i TRULY want.
With that said, i don't want anybody to think that i've been speedy Gonzales through my past few relationships as if these "relationships" have ever actually meant something to me.
i've been saying this for awhile now. I've got a Grinch sized heart and have yet to meet a Cindy Loo Hoo. I'm selective with who i let in especially when it comes to guys but I'm also a natural flirt, who smiles when she's laughing at ppl in her head, stares @ ppl cuz she enjoys watching thier facial expressions, and corrects ppl that say things incorrectly which is all misconstrued as being really "into" somebody.
that was a little off topic but point is, I like spending time with ppl sometimes just cuz i like spending time with them. i'm not rushing the "relationship" though it seems inevitable.
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| I miss Jowan. In fact, I NEED Jowan. I need to hear his voice, I need him to call. I want him in my life soo bad right now. Never have I had to deal with life without him, He is my rock, he is the only constant in my life. To me Jowan is a necessity. I don't know what I'll do without him, He needs to come back soon. I'm soooooo lost right now.
My entire 5th grade career was spent getting Jowan's attention. Everything I did pertained to him. I wanted him to be a part of my life for SO LONG. At age 11 I knew I needed him, I knew i would need him in the future. Jowan is...i can't explain how much he means to me.
I remember the first time we met, in Mrs. Smith's 5th grade History Class, I sat behind him because of alphabetical order and Emily Spriggs (former best friend) thought she had a chance with him. After getting me to write him a note for her he shot her down and I looked into those big round brown eyes and noticed his caramel skin and curly hair and fell in love. Well maybe not love, but it was dangerously close.
I never missed school because I wanted to see Him. I made sure to do well in Computers so that he would have every reason to talk to me and copy off me during class (because Thank GOD to alphabetical order he sat next to me there too!) I remember we had that class every Wednesday from 2:00 to 2:45 or something like that and i loved being next to him. I loved joaning on other students in class wit him. I loved it when he would touch my hand to direct my mouse where it was supposed to be. I loved him...well maybe not love, but it was dangerously close.
I remember hoping to run into him accidentally at the grocery store or something on any random day. Or trying to figure out exactly where he stayed at though it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I remember sneaking to talk to him on the phone before I was allowed to talk to boys on the phone. Getting in trouble didn't matter. It was for him.
I remember TRYING in Art and P.E. to impress him. I remember sitting in P.E. thinking I hope we don't rotate lines today because if we do I'll be at the back of the line and he'll be in front of the line and I'll have to wait until next week (when Alphabetical order would once again rule in my favor) to be close to him again. I remember that he ran the mile in like 6 mins, or something, he was the 2nd fastest boy in school. He made fun of me because I walked the entire thing and was content. I even remember a particular day when we were both sitting on the wall of the gym and he started to do a handstand while walking backwards up the wall. I remember his shirt falling over his face as he tried to have a conversation with me. I'd tell u the color and type of shirt but I don't want to sound creepy lol but I remember thinking "he's such a monkey, why is he climbing up the wall?"
I remember not sitting next to him at lunch, but wishing that I could, because that is all I ever wanted. I remember him making me laugh so hard while at recess that I peed on myself and had to tie my jacket around my waist (I had a weak bladder, it didn't react to pressure too well). I remember him making fun of Bart so bad that he made Bart cry and I thought he was a God for doing so (cuz everybody hated Bart).
I remember finding out that he went out with Allie, and me being mad about it. Literally jealous that they were "dating" LOL The fact that I had to watch them hold hands while we walked in a single file line out of Art class was ridiculous. I was MAD. I remember people telling me that I could go out with Taylor if I wanted a boyfriend so bad and i would say things like, "Where are we gonna go? RECESS? No. Elementary school relationships are Stupid!" but I KNOW if Jowan would have asked me out, we would have been together. No questions asked. He could have taken me to recess everyday and I would have loved it. Cuz I loved him.
I remember when he told me that he liked me. The summer day that I spent on the phone with him and somebody unimportant. My mother was at work so I wouldn't get in trouble for talking to him on the phone. I remember writing down questions to ask him and I remember praying that he would tell me the answers I wanted. I remember the unimportant person saying something along the lines of, "the only people jowan liked in school were Measha and You" and my heart flew. I don't remember what i said after that, probably something like "well if u liked me why didn't u ask me out?" but that didn't matter. He liked me. That's all I needed to hear. I loved him. But he liked me. We were well on our way.
I remember the day I called myself wanting to ask him out, in 6th grade when I lived in Jeff County and he still lived in Cape. I remember writing down what I was going to say, I remember being nervous, I had never asked anybody out before. And I remember him telling me that he was going out with Kim Hill now, and I remember wanting to cry. I remember wanting to literally fall off the face of the earth. He was taken, This was a 6th grade relationship, it was serious.
I remember lying to all my new middle school friends, telling them that Jowan was my boyfriend "back home." I remember seeing him again at Brayail's 12th? birthday party. I remember knowing that the next time I saw him face to face I was going to be happy and cordial and yet for some reason I pretended to be mad. I remember standing outside in the rain, after just getting my hair silked, to hold his glasses (i'd tell u the brand but I don't want to sound creepy but I remember it, and i've got it written down in my diary, along with his entire outfit lol) as he raced in the street against somebody unimporant. He won, I'm almost sure of it. I remember getting in trouble because my hair was messed up. I did not care.
I remember going to the movies in 7th grade? yeah 7th grade to watch Head of State with Chris Rock in it. Me, Taylor, Jowan, Casey Popp, and some other unimportant people went. I sat between Jowan and taylor. I know I wore something incredibly embarrasing now (it included a cut up t-shirt and sunglasses, IN a movie theater). I remember "fixing" my shirt every few mins to show off the new additions to my adolescent body. ( I had C's in 7th grade, I'm a beast!) I remember Taylor grabbing my hand, and me being PISSED OFF cuz I loved Jowan. How could he not know that? I remember after the movie, holding hands with Taylor thinking, please Jowan, don't think i like him, I don't like him. I like you. I want you. Please Jowan... I remember sneaking and talking on the phone with him later that night explaining to him what happened and that I was in NO WAY attracted to Taylor as if it was a big deal. It's good I did though, cuz he was concerned.
I remember the last time I saw him. It was Easter Sunday, 2004. I was 14. We were in Cape Girardeau for Easter and he rode his bike, along with somebody unimportant (i'm pretty sure it was taylor though) to my aunt's house to see me. Just for me. His girlfriend stayed around the corner but he came to see me. I don't remember what he was wearing. I DO remember that I was wearing my kangaroo shoes. I remember he took a highligher, colored a quarter with it, and put it in my kangaroo sneaker. I kept that quarter in those shoes for years. When I stopped wearing them I took the quarter out and put it in an envelop. I still have it. That day we sat on the porch for hours. We talked. We held hands. (he has perfect nails) He put his arm around me. And when he left he kissed me. It was my first kiss. My stomach did flips everytime i thought about it for weeks afterwards. Even now, It makes me smile.
I remember thinking that EVERY love song that came out the summer of 2003 was about him. Christina Milian had a song, or 4 that explained every aspect of our relationship. I remember being stuck in Coldwater, Mississippi lisening to that CD, calling him on my prepaid cell phone, missing him everyday we didn't speak because he was all I wanted. I loved him.
I remember talking to him frequently in high school. Whether he lived with his dad in TN or with his mom in ATL we were determined to stay in touch. I remember falling asleep with him on the phone, ALOT. I remember the first time I heard him snore over the phone and I was excited lol. I remember talking about EVERYTHING with him. I remember when he started turning down the wrong path and I remember feeling personally hurt from his decisions. I just wanted him to do well. I know he's capable of it. I remember wanting him to be my first, and promising to marry him. I remember when we started telling each other "love you" and how much that meant to me.
I remember when he met Aisha. I remember feeling threatened because he never spoke of anyone like he did her. I was jealous of her. I didn't like her. But it was okay, I was okay with that, I had to be. And everytime she went crazy, he called Me. No matter what I was still #1. I remember him telling me I love you while sitting next to her, and I remember her getting mad and him saying "But it's Whitney, c'mon now." I remember thinking "YES!" because I was worried for a second. This girl two years younger than us had crossed his path, caught his attention and held onto it, but it was nothing like the way he felt about me. And I loved him.
I love him. I've loved him. I will continue to love him. Jowan is the only person that I have loved unconditionally, that I can't shake, that I need that I want, that I've never been able to have completely. Jowan IS the epitome of what I want and yearn for in a man, friend, boyfriend, husband, ALL of that. He is incredible and to this day, 8 years later, countless memories, no matter what happens, always and forever I LOVE HIM.
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| I don't know why you would ask me a question that you don't want to hear the answer to. Why would u ask me if i've ever messed with somebody "from the team" if no matter what i say you gonna act like it didn't bother you in the first place?
acutally, let's back track a bit.
Niggas, Dudes, Males, need to keep my name out they mouth JUST like Females need to keep my name out they mouths. I don't know what the fuck ya'll are talking about me for, I'm none of ur fucking business. Even if we claim to "talk" i wish you shut the hell up about it to other ppl cuz it's none of thier fuckin business. and the more people know bout it the more of a bitch i'm going to be to you because your fucking up MY game then playboy and i don't appreciate that.
I don't understand why Erinn would tell KI that we used to talk and why KI would take that information to Chris as if it was some big ass secret. Look. I don't give a damn if u know that me and Erinn talk but if yo ass wants to know about my exes or w/e then ask me. stop listening to lil boy's points of views about stuff. erinn is fuckin 17, not old enough to have valuable relationship advice.
Like all of the bullshit that these niggas is doin is adding up to me. Last night with erinn whispering and shit in chris's ear, while we at dinner chris and erinn and k.i. is texting and shit and all of sudden chris start to get short with me. Chris's status about how "bitches ain't shit" and then today Chris talking to K.I. (rappin' as he says) about me and how much he likes me and then all of a sudden the 1 month "talking relationship" that me and erinn had gets brought up and you want to talk to me about it.
Negro you ain't got no claims on me. I WILL talk to, go wit, fuck, suck, and other sexual activities with somebody else if i feel like it and that's none of ur business if i do. I probably won't go with him because of this incident here. lol insecure niggas are disgusting.
this dude straight had the NERVE to tell me that i was "all over" erinn and K.I. last night. Was i? I was? ALL OVER THEM? REALLY? okay lol what the fuck ever. A) i'm a naturally flirtatious person so there's strike one B) I was stripping them for thier shirts because i want a nx-level shirt. if u would have had one i would have taken urs. It was an immature game, I know, especially to play with somebody that i don't know that well but my yearn for a nx-level shirt surpasses ALL of that actually. C) If i was all over them then why didn't u say something THEN? or try and get my attention to hang out with you more? I went bowling for YOU dumbass, if u steady walking away and not talking to me then i'm not going to pay attention to you either. Don't invite me somewhere and then not be a good host.
u better be glad that I can't hold Marco or Polo's attention long enough to get more then thier names because i'm actually Thoroughly attracted to THEM.
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